Heartbreak
Comments(8) I feel like a zombie. Constantly wandering around, spontaneously bursting into tears, and sobbing from this hole in my heart. Just 6 months ago, it seemed both my dogs were perfectly healthy. I had just recovered from a broken back and looked forward to jogging with the girls again. Now, loneliness. Nothing left except beautiful, beautiful, treasured memories.
Thank you so much you wonderful people of the TriPawd community!!!! I have only been here a few months but, your comments and support are felt deeply – I appreciate your words more than I can say.
So, if you are wondering what happened so suddenly with the Oreo: Oreo seemed to be doing fine right after her amputation. I was so impressed with her ability to cope, she has always been a tough dog. Although her cancer was found late, there was no evidence of lung metastases until 4 weeks ago, and they were 3 small nodes. But, Oreo began having more difficulty getting around. She had diminished tendon reflexes on her left side (a sign of possible neurological compression in the spine) and I just tried to keep her healthy and strong by doing her physical therapy, a daily swim, and walks as tolerated. She started requiring a break every few steps during her walks. The past week, she would not get up for meals, even with much coaxing. (Thank goodness she did not lose her appetite, though – she loved to eat!) So, I would feel her by hand. She also started having diarrhea, despite measures to counteract this it still persisted. Until the last day, she had no accidents, though. On Monday, September 16th, I tried to get Oreo to sing with me – and she could only whisper. I thought maybe we had done too much singing lately and she had gotten hoarse. We continued our rides and walks but they got very short and no amount of coaxing could get The Oreo to go more than a few feet. Just the week before we were taking about switching Oreo to metronomic chemo. Now, I began realizing she probably would only be around a few weeks. I had no idea she only had a few days.
Wednesday night I had a slumber party with The Oreo. She could not seem to get comfortable, even with the pain meds I gave her. So, I just cuddled her and stroked her all night. When she tried to go out in the morning, she just fell over to her right side (side of amputation). When I tried to help her with a towel under her hind legs and a hand on her harness, she still stumbled. She was acting like she had a stroke and as she made it to the grass, she fell over. The she defecated all over herself and gave me “the look.” I cleaned her up and rushed her to the veterinarian near our house. By now, Oreo had no voice – not even a whisper, and I found a huge lump on the side of her neck. The vet said the lump was a lymph node and things did not look good. She could give The Oreo steroids to see if she would rally but, it would probably give her only a few days. I looked in Oreo’s eyes and this is what they said to me, “tiff, I’ve had enough. But! If you want me to keep on truckin, by golly, I’ll do it! But….really….I’ve had enough. ”
So, I called Jared and he came home from work. We spent the day with The Oreo. She could not walk without help so, we took her for a long walk in the stroller. I let her eat anything and everything she wanted. She gave me a great hug (she always gave great hugs, rarely any kisses). She kicked Jared in the face as her carried her in the vets office – this made us laugh. Oreo was part dalmatian and part clown – she could always make you laugh.
When I picked Oreo up for the first time as a puppy, she peed on me. I thought how funny that as she left my arms, she also peed on me. Her tail was thumping until she took her last breath – what a dog! I don’t know what I am going to do without my best friends. But, I know many of you are missing your best buddies, too. I’ll draw on your strength now, if that is OK? I can’t seem to find mine. For now, I’ll be the zombie that I am. A few pictures of better times….
That date is wrong <<<<<
I might have to leave a few things around for a while, including: her drink bucket and her bed in my jeep with a half-eaten chew…
There is strength in numbers, and yes, so many of us know exactly how you feel. We are all with you, holding onto you to help you through, crying with you as we share your sadness.
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
With love,
Carol
oh my gosh.. thank you.. for posting that picture of Oreo in her puffy vest and bandana.. her true colours shine through there! Love it.. what a sweet clown!
I know exactly how you feel Tiff.. we all do here.. although all of our stories are different in the last few days with our furbabies.. all of the cases are different with symptoms.. yet the underlying love and not wanting them to leave, yet not wanting them to be in any pain, is the same..
I sometimes think that Franklin would have been ok for a few more days.. and there are days that I regret not even trying for those few more days.. but I just could not let him struggle and wheeze and spit up bile one more day. It was the eyes.. Those eyes that say they are not having fun anymore..
When we took him to the vet.. his tail was still wagging.. he was happy to see people.. and geesh.. that made it hard. But we knew how he was at night.. how much he coughed with those damn mets.. and how he wheezed when he hopped around..
I left his dog bed.. still have it.. and his rubber squeakies.. still there.. but I did roll up a few of the mats cause we didn’t need so many.
I’m not going to say it will get better with time.. because everyone is different… everyone’s clocks tick differenly… everyone’s grieving and mourning is their own individual preference.
I still grieve.. I still break out into tears at times.. and that is ok.
Being here on Tripawds has helped me grieve, mourn, accept, and share …. you know we are all here if you want to vent, or cry… cause we can do that with you too!
I wish you strength during the next adventure..
Christine….. with Franklin in her heart♥
Oh my dear Tiff and Jared,
We celebrated this journey with you and we grieve and cry too as this phase of the journey ended.
Your dogs are our dogs…..our dogs are your dogs…we are a family united with a bond that no others could understand.
Our strength is here for you and you will know it at a soul level. But more importanty, the Oreo’s strength and love is here for you..IN your heart…IN your soul…IN every beat of your heart…IN your very being. Oero’s essence and grace can NEVER be separate from you. It is ALWAYS a part of you, just as you wil always be a part of Oreo.
Oreo KNEW what love felt like his entire life….and as he continues on into his new life….he carries that love with him. And we needed your love the most…more that she’s ever needed it before…you gave her the ultimate selfless love of telling her it was okay to go.
And he kicked Jared and he wagged her tail as she was headed towards his release and she said “Thank you, thank you, thank you for understanding what was best for me…not just now, but my entire life with you!”
Oreo touched us all so deeply. Yes, she’s a clown, she’s a fighter, she’s a gentle soul, her smile makes us all smile, she’s sooooo beautiful–inside and out, she’s a teacher and she’s a dog whose life matters! She’s a shining brilliant light whose warm glow of love can NEVER be dimmed!
Please stay here with us as you can and share more of the Oreo AND Cookie with us. We are here in anyway you need.
And as you have those moments where you feel like you can’t catch your next breath, where you don’t even care if you can catch your next breath, please know this—–Oreo understands you will be sad. However, the Oreo also kows she left you some incredible joyous, treasured memories. These are the memories she wants you to use to glue your broken hearts back together again.
For us humans, it seems we just focus on those “last few days” fr so long. Then, with time, we begin to focus on the entirety of a wonderful life so well lived! And that’s what’s important to Oreo! That’s where Oreo wants you to spend your time…in the loving fun, food packed memories she surrounded you with!
So, bit by bit…please try to let those wonderful memories seep in. Maybe we could find e right now…..one that you KNOW made Oreo happy and made you two laugh! Was it something she did with food? Was it something she did when she chumped you into feeding ner anything she wanted just by being cute? For Oreo, find that memory right now and let her see you smile…..yeah…you’ve got it! I hear her tail thumping all the way over here!! It was about food wasn’t it?? Maybe?
Sorrounding you with Oreo’s lovely grace and may her infnite loving presence always bring you comfort.
Sally and Happy Hannah
Tiff,
Grief takes time (as having Sassy just cross the bridge recently too) It takes time and no one knows the right amount of time each person varies. I am still breaking down all the time. We all mourn our Tripawd friends.
Thanks for sharing the pictures.
Hugs
Michelle & Angel Sassy
I am sorry. For some of us it goes so darn fast we can’t catch our breath. I found out about Brendol’s lung mets on a Friday and by Monday night she couldn’t stand. I thought I’d have a little more time. And, also similar to Oreo, she was tail wagging to be going to the vet’s that last trip. It’s heartbreaking indeed.
My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.
Karma, Adelaide and crew, and our special angel Brendol
I, too send hugs from a recently-broken heart, and hope that little by little you will find peace and remember more of the good times that made Oreo’s life so wonderful. Thank you for sharing that fabulous picture of Oreo in the vest and hat – priceless and perfect and always in your heart.
-Liz and Angel Roxie
Tiff and Jared-
My thoughts are with you. There is nothing that can be said to ease the pain, but know that we are hurting with. Oreo is going to make some wonderful friends as there are so many new angels up there to greet her.
Blessings-
Luanne and Spirit Shooter
Ohhhh Tiffany & Jared I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how tough that must have been. When things happen this fast with cancer it just knocks the wind out of you, I’m really, really sorry.
Yes you can certainly lean on us. I’m glad you came back. Sharing more stories about her life is such great therapy for you and us alike, so do come back and make us smile with her stories.
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}